I have no title...

I sit here. At an empty page. Or, if you'd like specifics, looking at a page that was created by millions of lines of code made to invent a "page." But, like I said in an earlier post, my friend Katherine told me that empty is good, empty is for God (excuse my deviation from the exact quotation). It's late. I need to get up in five hours. But I think best around now. This should be short.

Some people are dreamers. They create a world within themselves that seems real. We're not insane, we're just the hopeful. Those that aren't "dreamers" try to bring us back to earth. But I'm like a helium balloon with ...un-ending helium. I've had some years of Hell. There will be more. And while most of those years were not my fault, my initiative within was-an is. You see, dreamers live in the future, we believe that reality will never catch up to us. And that if it does? God will provide a last-minute parachute plan (or something-I'm on sleep drugs, ok?:P). Well, He does. And He doesn't. You can't anticipate God. I know that now. You can trust God, but He is not a genie. I struggle...so much. So lately...with trust. In that, I know there is a God, I know I love Him, I know He loves me...and...???

I spent 3 years of high school ... and I wasted them. There were interruptions I now know I had no control over, there was the year of psychiatric illness. Yeah, I'm a lunatic-you won't be the first to cast that stone at me. I wasted time and here I am, left with 3/4 of a school year that should be my last but I have 1.5 grades to complete, tests I'm behind on, failing my family life, no SAT's, no transcript, thus-no college applications...and I am lost.

But I'm also found. God and I had a yelling match tonight. Mostly me...yelling at myself. My throat is sore. To make a long story short-I made my choices and I have to live with the consequences. They include public humiliation when I don't graduate this year, they include being asked why my arms are scarred and seeing that in photos for the rest of my life...but today I ....it hit home.

I've lied, I've escaped, I've acted. I am not even human by human standards. I am a failed mystery no one should unlock. But it hit home, the simple truth that....My choices/my actions, determine who I am. Simple, I know-but I'm Taylor/SarahLydia. I define who I am-or I am defined through who I allow God to make me be.

I told Him I was done tonight. Not with life-I want life. So bad. But, I am done, and I have resigned of my position. I hope I don't apply again, because His driving experience is much better than mine.

I have an impossible amount of homework tomorrow, PT, acting, and listening to more dreams...
But I think I have given up. I will no longer say "Make me graduate this spring." It is now "Make/help me succeed in life this year." Because, you see, I don't know exactly what that can be....but that is the beauty of taking shotgun.

ImpossibleisNothing
BaWc

~Taylor

Because it has to

I posted this on Facebook last week, but I forgot to post here. So, here it is-let me know what you think:
_________________________________

Sometimes, when we are alone, we crumble.

Anger gives way to fear, to tears. Some of those times, we wonder the purpose. We have accepted life is reality. An ugly reality, yes, but how often is truth shown through a tinted lens?

     We accept life, we muddle through pain, we argue with heartbreak. We pray for smiles, butterflies, for a child's laugh. It is the absence of these that makes us fight. We await a win, no matter the size.

Some would think that this absence of joy, the utter depravity of this world, would kick us down, depress us, slice, and kill us. But it doesn't. Not in the end. Because we are made to fight.

     Like DNA copies that will never differ from the parent cell, so are we. Our parent died on a cross, our minds feel confusion. Our parent was kicked, and so are we. But He fought and won. Like our parent, our internal design will fight until our earthly minds allow control. They will.

     We await. Unsatisfied with this world. Believers that there are sunshiny day, pink sunglasses, swing sets, friendship. We are laughed at, sliced, prepared to be devoured. Unsatisfied with this world.

     We are asked "why?" We are asked "how do you know that any other world would be better than this one?"

Because it has to.

We, the believers.

We, the realists.

We, the bleeding humans, are burning down our Neverlands. Our fairy tales.

We stand, we fight.

We lift our chin, ready to die for life.

How do we, the children, know anything would be any better than this?

Because it has to.

Forgive us if we're cold-blooded realists.

We are the unsatisfied.

We await.

We fight.

We will always fight.

Matchbox by our side.

Ramblings, Confessions and beliefs-My plan for life

Sometimes I feel dead. Sometimes alone. Sometimes dramatic-like saying I can't remember this or that, usually life.


Sometimes there are days that I can laugh at myself. The immaturity. Need of growth. Search of love. Sometimes I cry at it.


Days when I feel it's not worth it. Days when I believe that. When I believe other options are pain or ending.


Lately though? I feel different. Sure, I still get those days. Heck, I probably always will. But guess what? I don't care anymore. Sure, I can hate myself. But that's not what matters anymore.

There's a bigger picture. Always was, always will be. I just gotta remember to wear those reading glasses that are sitting in a case on my floor.


Or I can listen. I don't listen... one of the majors I plan to study says "you'll find a place here if you have the gift of gab." I feel we'll get along. Now, there may no longer be any other students in the class...or professor, but hey.


Confession: I'm selfish. I write for myself. It's like my happy pill. When I can't write...well, my mother can attest that you'd rather not speak to me. I love an empty page. One of my best friend's wrote to me that she sees an empty page as "a place for God to write your story." I agree. I think He writes in pencil, because how else could He turn our lives around but with an eraser?



I do have a point to this amazing semester paper, sorry for stalling.
I finally decided to take a walk last week. I hadn't for a while-mainly because I've been deathly ill (live with the exaggeration please), mostly because I usually pray on walks. And...I hadn't prayed for a long time. Which is...very rare for me... 'cause I love it. Not in public, I'm scared to death of that. Also haven't been reading my Bible-that would be the reason my Awana reading is done for the first time in 9 years. ANYWAY.

I walked.
And something started happening. Started praying...a 15 min walk became an hour walk (with 10 minutes of running for no reason-I love my driveway...). I usually don't kneel in the middle of Woodlake with cars going 60mph. At that point I didn't care.



You see, I realized some things. You may already know these things in your life, but I didn't. Not truly. And I never really believed it. 

I just realized that

I'm in a war
And I just realized that


I'm going to win.

Those two facts did something. I'm not completely sure what yet. But it changed something. It ignited a fire that was gone for ... maybe four years. Oh, there had been fire, but it wasn't FIRE.


There is a war. I am in it. I am going to win it. Because there is no possible way I can lose. "If God is for me, who can be against me?"

Did you ever just realize that in this war you have a GOD and a CHRISTIAN. And a Satan. Who do you think is going to win?

So, I am here to tell that Satan to watch the Hell out. Because he's going down.

It will be daily. There will be failures. There will be victories. But in the long run, a few victories don't win it. And that's all Sheol is getting from me.

It's gonna take my whole life. But I'd rather fight him than fight me. Because if I keep fighting Sarah, she's gonna be gone.

I'm tired of fighting. But God doesn't care about that. If He did, I wouldn't still be here. As it is, I am. And I guess I'd rather fight evil for however long than go out with no bang. Than go out as selfish. As cowardly.


Miss Amy Anderson, who shall be tagged, did the best thing ever to me once. She might not remember. 

She randomly texted me. 
And told me I was a coward.
And told me I was selfish.
Great friends, right? Who stab you like that?

Only great friends do that.
She said some other lovely things which I shan't repeat. It all eventually got thru though. It may have taken a full year...but I got it. That what I have done, do, probably will do...lots of things-are selfish. It's always selfish.

Fighting Hell isn't. It's beauty in it's purest form. I may die in the process, but I no longer care. Because for me to live is Christ. May it always be.


There is GOOD in this world. And BEAUTY. Best of all? LIFE.
And it's mine. It's all mine! Yeah, I'm laughing aloud right now. I'm smiling. Like, the real smile. Not the mask. Not the constant drama queen who likes manipulating people to lie to herself that sin is ok. Yeah friends, that's the truth behind that drama. Bite me.:) I'm so happy. I've never been this happy. It's like I'm on a cloud...

So that's all.

Other than that, I finally figured out my school deal. You know, doing stuff on time is a very smart idea! I need to make a memo of that...
1. I'll graduate on time.
2. GUESS WHAT? Homeschooler's have graduations, all you public schooled people! Also, if you get thru your C-SAPS or what have you? It's not huge, man. Colorado only requires you get 13% overall...so go a bit higher, please?
3. I have college semi-figured out.
4. I am so happy.
5. If I stop smiling within the next 13 months, figure out how to make me laugh...or condemn me to death by teasing. Or mentioning ...snakes... or brains...
6. If you're reading this, you are alive. Realise that potential.
7. I'm double majoring, figuring out a minor (for some reason, school's dislike allowing you to make your own minor out of five subjects), and currently working thru financial aid things. I got thru reading the entire website, so I am succeeding.

In conclusion, I doubt anyone will read this. Who cares. I'm S.L., I'm alive, and I'm not going anywhere. Except maybe into that beautiful AP Bio book. Since when am I in love with science?? 
Oh! And I found some great churches near the ever looking more lovely college, along with a few Awana clubs.


Amy, remember what you suggested I do for an original Citation receiving? :)

"I have dreams. God has plans. The difference? Dreams are relative. Plans are cement." ~SarahLydia Sophia Forgath-ImpossibleisNothing, Be a World-Changer 

A way to...?

It's been a long time since I've written, and it would take too long to explain all the reasons. So I'll just say I've been busy. Which is true. Basically, I decided to start thinking. A little late in the ball game, but hey. Thinking, praying, changing, and...(do not break my dramatic sentence here) starting to live again. Living is a good feeling. Living right, simple, basic, freely is even better. I'm letting go, of drama and control. And it makes me smile.
ANYways...
So, I wrote this a while ago and meant to post it. It's unfinished, so eventually, it may be...come finished. Yes, I am tired:






A desire consumes me. In fact, sometimes I'm sure it's eating me alive. One of those desires that hurts, but the hurt only makes you want it more.
What do I desire? I want a way to live.
I exist, but existence cannot be the answer.
Life takes choices, decisions. Many of us don't realizes that non-decision is a decision. Over a lifetime, one's decisions form a kind of map.
I wonder what mine will look like.
Not only do I want a way to live, I want a way to be, a way to lead and a way to inspire.
Simply put- I want to change my world. I want to change it now- at 17, and I want to change it at 40. I cannot, nor should I be content to wait.
Because God doesn't. The Creator of the universe is ready to use ME, today - and yet I stand motionless. What is worse is that this is true of the vast majority of people.


I want to be different.
Because I am saying yes.


I'm saying 'yes' to God.


What are you saying?


~ImpossibleisNothing~
-BeAWorldChanger-


-SarahLydia. The real SarahLydia.

Will be leaving for Summit on Sunday and will try to update from there. Laters.

Your Hands, JJ Heller

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlL8LayF0uw

Possibilities

If tomorrow came

And you weren’t here

If dawn arose

Would I shed a tear?

If you were gone

Would I know where

If you passed on

Would I care?

You had a choice

Which did you choose?

If I had spoken

Even once to you…

Would it have changed today?

Would you still be here

If I had reached out

To someone different

Would you have changed?

Or would you be indifferent

This is my fault

At least, I bear some blame

I knew you hurt

I saw your pain

Yet I remained

A stranger

I knew the answer

To give you hope

But to share with you

Was outside my comfort zone

Now, you are gone

And I am here

With the knowledge that

You’re in a sulfur smoke

You were a nihilistic Nazi

I was the clean kid on our block,

You stayed up late, in front of LED

I partied like a queen

Lives woven together

But you've broken your thread

Our pain could have flown together

But now you are dead

I gave up the chance

To give you a hope

Today I sit here

As they remove your dope

That was yesterday,

I live today

The same, but different

Desiring change

I see someone like you

I pause between lockers

I almost pass by, but realize

I still hold the answer

Irreverently dangling it

Above his head

What choice will I make?

Which road will I take?

You can see his pain

It’s flowing bloodlike tears

I can see the stains

And the dark dye of his hair

I look into his eyes

Startled, they reflect mine

Deep pools of green

Filled with unanswered hurt

And tonight he sits alone

Enveloped by the darkness of night

A choice to make, his choice to choose

Those bloodlike tears

Are tears no more

No gasps of pain,

Just bloody sleeves

No cries of hurt,

Just broken knees

You can see his pain

It’s flowing bloodlike tears

I can see those stains

And the dark dye of his hair

If I hold back

This could be

A repetition, Your misery

So I speak

I can see his pain

But you have stopped the bloody tears

I can see his knees

But now Somebody cares

Explanations

I stand in rain

You stand in heaven

I kneel in pain

You sit and reign

I cry in brokenness

You cry that I’m broken

I lift my tears toward heaven

You reach down to wipe them

I pound my fist

You understand my humanness

I hear a Voice

You whispered a song

I see a tapestry

You have woven my life

I see the ruts and rocks

You point out its perfection

I gaze in wonder

You stand amused

I bow at the mercy seat

You lift up my face

I wonder what’s happening

You say “do not fear”

I turn my eyes

You still see the pain

I ask “why the pain, the breaking, the tears?”

You say “I am with you, child have no fear”

I question “I was angry, yet You called out my name”

You say “Because I love you, things won’t ever be the same”

I said “I saw the tapestry – my failures, my sins”

You say “I saw the beauty, the pristine perfection”

I say “I don’t understand – this glory and awe”

You say “you don’t need to – I am who I am”

I smiled and asked “why me, and why now?”

You laughed as You said “don’t you see?”

“My love never ends

My mercy never fails

My forgiveness is eternal”

“I created the earth,

 The wind,

Even you”

“For My glory and honor

I AM WHO I AM”

Tears

Tonight I let the tears fall down,

Intricately portraying pain

But the pain inside

You cannot see,

Save for the eyes that cannot lie

Tears are the human expression

That something is wrong

Tears can mean a broken arm,

A broken heart

Tears can mean a death,

A broken life,

A cry for help

But behind these tears

Sit restless hearts,

Cruelly cut by the world

Tears are a gift

Pain is a gift

But I cannot say

A beautiful, decaprated

Broken soul is a gift

So as you lie awake tonight,

Remember the forgotten

Some of us don’t mend,

We just harden

Tears become a mara

Gaze Behind Me

The next several posts are just a collection of thoughts I wrote two or three months ago - which is why some of them will be referring to Christmas, and past events. Anyway. Wasn't really sure what format to put this in, but this will work:

Tonight I turn my face

Toward my wall, to think

In an evil-filled world

Surrounded by the cover of dark

I let my mind wander back

To my childhood,

A time when long-division

Was considered a demon

I let my mind lead me

Back to our forty acre ranch,

On those rolling, beautiful plains

And I lament the going of

Such simplistic days

Running through the fields

With the dog,

Cuddling new kittens,
mowing lawns,

Planting trees,

Throwing the cattle bales

Of the summer days

When we swam in a cow trough,

Electrified voles,

Stacked firewood

Yesterday, I was “home” again

For the first time in months

And I experienced a bittersweet realization

I love the plains,

The setting sun, and my old place

I hated living there,

But could not imagine anything else

Yesterday I looked at our unfinished driveway –

The one that leads to nowhere

I remembered going out there and writing

For hours some summer day

Those writings sit in a book

Filled with a story

Of hope after hope,
and shattered dream after dream

That driveway represents to me

All that never will be,

All the dreams made impossible

Tonight I turn my head toward the wall.

And like so many nights

Of the past three years,

Silent tears stain my face –

As I wonder if, like Anne of Green Gables said

“my life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes”

I asked myself

If I could have changed the last three years,

Would I?

Parts, yes, but other parts, no

God has something to teach me,

And if it takes one more broken dream,

So be it

I have changed internally

More than I ever thought possible

In the last three years,

And inside, I am no 17 year old girl

But I am one who is waiting

For the laughter of mourning

The Piper calls, and some do not return,

But answer, always answer

So a silent tear slips down this face,

And I wonder if all heartbreak is forever

But then I wonder if there was none,

What would I be

Such a confusing mess of thoughts

But the Piper calls,

And who will follow?

I’m waiting,

Like for rain in a drought,

I’m waiting for a reason

Waiting, just waiting

To feel beautiful again

Waiting to dance in the rain

Let it pour

I’m ready

SarahLydia