Monday, October 18, 2010

I have no title...

I sit here. At an empty page. Or, if you'd like specifics, looking at a page that was created by millions of lines of code made to invent a "page." But, like I said in an earlier post, my friend Katherine told me that empty is good, empty is for God (excuse my deviation from the exact quotation). It's late. I need to get up in five hours. But I think best around now. This should be short.

Some people are dreamers. They create a world within themselves that seems real. We're not insane, we're just the hopeful. Those that aren't "dreamers" try to bring us back to earth. But I'm like a helium balloon with ...un-ending helium. I've had some years of Hell. There will be more. And while most of those years were not my fault, my initiative within was-an is. You see, dreamers live in the future, we believe that reality will never catch up to us. And that if it does? God will provide a last-minute parachute plan (or something-I'm on sleep drugs, ok?:P). Well, He does. And He doesn't. You can't anticipate God. I know that now. You can trust God, but He is not a genie. I much. So lately...with trust. In that, I know there is a God, I know I love Him, I know He loves me...and...???

I spent 3 years of high school ... and I wasted them. There were interruptions I now know I had no control over, there was the year of psychiatric illness. Yeah, I'm a lunatic-you won't be the first to cast that stone at me. I wasted time and here I am, left with 3/4 of a school year that should be my last but I have 1.5 grades to complete, tests I'm behind on, failing my family life, no SAT's, no transcript, thus-no college applications...and I am lost.

But I'm also found. God and I had a yelling match tonight. Mostly me...yelling at myself. My throat is sore. To make a long story short-I made my choices and I have to live with the consequences. They include public humiliation when I don't graduate this year, they include being asked why my arms are scarred and seeing that in photos for the rest of my life...but today I hit home.

I've lied, I've escaped, I've acted. I am not even human by human standards. I am a failed mystery no one should unlock. But it hit home, the simple truth that....My choices/my actions, determine who I am. Simple, I know-but I'm Taylor/SarahLydia. I define who I am-or I am defined through who I allow God to make me be.

I told Him I was done tonight. Not with life-I want life. So bad. But, I am done, and I have resigned of my position. I hope I don't apply again, because His driving experience is much better than mine.

I have an impossible amount of homework tomorrow, PT, acting, and listening to more dreams...
But I think I have given up. I will no longer say "Make me graduate this spring." It is now "Make/help me succeed in life this year." Because, you see, I don't know exactly what that can be....but that is the beauty of taking shotgun.



Thursday, August 26, 2010

Because it has to

I posted this on Facebook last week, but I forgot to post here. So, here it is-let me know what you think:

Sometimes, when we are alone, we crumble.
Anger gives way to fear, to tears. Some of those times, we wonder the purpose. We have accepted life is reality. An ugly reality, yes, but how often is truth shown through a tinted lens?
     We accept life, we muddle through pain, we argue with heartbreak. We pray for smiles, butterflies, for a child's laugh. It is the absence of these that makes us fight. We await a win, no matter the size.
Some would think that this absence of joy, the utter depravity of this world, would kick us down, depress us, slice, and kill us. But it doesn't. Not in the end. Because we are made to fight.
     Like DNA copies that will never differ from the parent cell, so are we. Our parent died on a cross, our minds feel confusion. Our parent was kicked, and so are we. But He fought and won. Like our parent, our internal design will fight until our earthly minds allow control. They will.
     We await. Unsatisfied with this world. Believers that there are sunshiny day, pink sunglasses, swing sets, friendship. We are laughed at, sliced, prepared to be devoured. Unsatisfied with this world.
     We are asked "why?" We are asked "how do you know that any other world would be better than this one?"

Because it has to.

We, the believers.
We, the realists.
We, the bleeding humans, are burning down our Neverlands. Our fairy tales.

We stand, we fight.
We lift our chin, ready to die for life.

How do we, the children, know anything would be any better than this?

Because it has to.
Forgive us if we're cold-blooded realists.
We are the unsatisfied.
We await.
We fight.
We will always fight.
Matchbox by our side.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Ramblings, Confessions and beliefs-My plan for life

Sometimes I feel dead. Sometimes alone. Sometimes dramatic-like saying I can't remember this or that, usually life.

Sometimes there are days that I can laugh at myself. The immaturity. Need of growth. Search of love. Sometimes I cry at it.

Days when I feel it's not worth it. Days when I believe that. When I believe other options are pain or ending.

Lately though? I feel different. Sure, I still get those days. Heck, I probably always will. But guess what? I don't care anymore. Sure, I can hate myself. But that's not what matters anymore.

There's a bigger picture. Always was, always will be. I just gotta remember to wear those reading glasses that are sitting in a case on my floor.

Or I can listen. I don't listen... one of the majors I plan to study says "you'll find a place here if you have the gift of gab." I feel we'll get along. Now, there may no longer be any other students in the class...or professor, but hey.

Confession: I'm selfish. I write for myself. It's like my happy pill. When I can't write...well, my mother can attest that you'd rather not speak to me. I love an empty page. One of my best friend's wrote to me that she sees an empty page as "a place for God to write your story." I agree. I think He writes in pencil, because how else could He turn our lives around but with an eraser?

I do have a point to this amazing semester paper, sorry for stalling.
I finally decided to take a walk last week. I hadn't for a while-mainly because I've been deathly ill (live with the exaggeration please), mostly because I usually pray on walks. And...I hadn't prayed for a long time. Which is...very rare for me... 'cause I love it. Not in public, I'm scared to death of that. Also haven't been reading my Bible-that would be the reason my Awana reading is done for the first time in 9 years. ANYWAY.

I walked.
And something started happening. Started praying...a 15 min walk became an hour walk (with 10 minutes of running for no reason-I love my driveway...). I usually don't kneel in the middle of Woodlake with cars going 60mph. At that point I didn't care.

You see, I realized some things. You may already know these things in your life, but I didn't. Not truly. And I never really believed it. 

I just realized that

I'm in a war
And I just realized that

I'm going to win.

Those two facts did something. I'm not completely sure what yet. But it changed something. It ignited a fire that was gone for ... maybe four years. Oh, there had been fire, but it wasn't FIRE.

There is a war. I am in it. I am going to win it. Because there is no possible way I can lose. "If God is for me, who can be against me?"

Did you ever just realize that in this war you have a GOD and a CHRISTIAN. And a Satan. Who do you think is going to win?

So, I am here to tell that Satan to watch the Hell out. Because he's going down.

It will be daily. There will be failures. There will be victories. But in the long run, a few victories don't win it. And that's all Sheol is getting from me.

It's gonna take my whole life. But I'd rather fight him than fight me. Because if I keep fighting Sarah, she's gonna be gone.

I'm tired of fighting. But God doesn't care about that. If He did, I wouldn't still be here. As it is, I am. And I guess I'd rather fight evil for however long than go out with no bang. Than go out as selfish. As cowardly.

Miss Amy Anderson, who shall be tagged, did the best thing ever to me once. She might not remember. 

She randomly texted me. 
And told me I was a coward.
And told me I was selfish.
Great friends, right? Who stab you like that?

Only great friends do that.
She said some other lovely things which I shan't repeat. It all eventually got thru though. It may have taken a full year...but I got it. That what I have done, do, probably will do...lots of things-are selfish. It's always selfish.

Fighting Hell isn't. It's beauty in it's purest form. I may die in the process, but I no longer care. Because for me to live is Christ. May it always be.

There is GOOD in this world. And BEAUTY. Best of all? LIFE.
And it's mine. It's all mine! Yeah, I'm laughing aloud right now. I'm smiling. Like, the real smile. Not the mask. Not the constant drama queen who likes manipulating people to lie to herself that sin is ok. Yeah friends, that's the truth behind that drama. Bite me.:) I'm so happy. I've never been this happy. It's like I'm on a cloud...

So that's all.

Other than that, I finally figured out my school deal. You know, doing stuff on time is a very smart idea! I need to make a memo of that...
1. I'll graduate on time.
2. GUESS WHAT? Homeschooler's have graduations, all you public schooled people! Also, if you get thru your C-SAPS or what have you? It's not huge, man. Colorado only requires you get 13% go a bit higher, please?
3. I have college semi-figured out.
4. I am so happy.
5. If I stop smiling within the next 13 months, figure out how to make me laugh...or condemn me to death by teasing. Or mentioning ...snakes... or brains...
6. If you're reading this, you are alive. Realise that potential.
7. I'm double majoring, figuring out a minor (for some reason, school's dislike allowing you to make your own minor out of five subjects), and currently working thru financial aid things. I got thru reading the entire website, so I am succeeding.

In conclusion, I doubt anyone will read this. Who cares. I'm S.L., I'm alive, and I'm not going anywhere. Except maybe into that beautiful AP Bio book. Since when am I in love with science?? 
Oh! And I found some great churches near the ever looking more lovely college, along with a few Awana clubs.

Amy, remember what you suggested I do for an original Citation receiving? :)

"I have dreams. God has plans. The difference? Dreams are relative. Plans are cement." ~SarahLydia Sophia Forgath-ImpossibleisNothing, Be a World-Changer 

Thursday, May 20, 2010

A way to...?

It's been a long time since I've written, and it would take too long to explain all the reasons. So I'll just say I've been busy. Which is true. Basically, I decided to start thinking. A little late in the ball game, but hey. Thinking, praying, changing, and...(do not break my dramatic sentence here) starting to live again. Living is a good feeling. Living right, simple, basic, freely is even better. I'm letting go, of drama and control. And it makes me smile.
So, I wrote this a while ago and meant to post it. It's unfinished, so eventually, it may be...come finished. Yes, I am tired:

A desire consumes me. In fact, sometimes I'm sure it's eating me alive. One of those desires that hurts, but the hurt only makes you want it more.
What do I desire? I want a way to live.
I exist, but existence cannot be the answer.
Life takes choices, decisions. Many of us don't realizes that non-decision is a decision. Over a lifetime, one's decisions form a kind of map.
I wonder what mine will look like.
Not only do I want a way to live, I want a way to be, a way to lead and a way to inspire.
Simply put- I want to change my world. I want to change it now- at 17, and I want to change it at 40. I cannot, nor should I be content to wait.
Because God doesn't. The Creator of the universe is ready to use ME, today - and yet I stand motionless. What is worse is that this is true of the vast majority of people.

I want to be different.
Because I am saying yes.

I'm saying 'yes' to God.

What are you saying?


-SarahLydia. The real SarahLydia.