I have no title...

I sit here. At an empty page. Or, if you'd like specifics, looking at a page that was created by millions of lines of code made to invent a "page." But, like I said in an earlier post, my friend Katherine told me that empty is good, empty is for God (excuse my deviation from the exact quotation). It's late. I need to get up in five hours. But I think best around now. This should be short.

Some people are dreamers. They create a world within themselves that seems real. We're not insane, we're just the hopeful. Those that aren't "dreamers" try to bring us back to earth. But I'm like a helium balloon with ...un-ending helium. I've had some years of Hell. There will be more. And while most of those years were not my fault, my initiative within was-an is. You see, dreamers live in the future, we believe that reality will never catch up to us. And that if it does? God will provide a last-minute parachute plan (or something-I'm on sleep drugs, ok?:P). Well, He does. And He doesn't. You can't anticipate God. I know that now. You can trust God, but He is not a genie. I struggle...so much. So lately...with trust. In that, I know there is a God, I know I love Him, I know He loves me...and...???

I spent 3 years of high school ... and I wasted them. There were interruptions I now know I had no control over, there was the year of psychiatric illness. Yeah, I'm a lunatic-you won't be the first to cast that stone at me. I wasted time and here I am, left with 3/4 of a school year that should be my last but I have 1.5 grades to complete, tests I'm behind on, failing my family life, no SAT's, no transcript, thus-no college applications...and I am lost.

But I'm also found. God and I had a yelling match tonight. Mostly me...yelling at myself. My throat is sore. To make a long story short-I made my choices and I have to live with the consequences. They include public humiliation when I don't graduate this year, they include being asked why my arms are scarred and seeing that in photos for the rest of my life...but today I ....it hit home.

I've lied, I've escaped, I've acted. I am not even human by human standards. I am a failed mystery no one should unlock. But it hit home, the simple truth that....My choices/my actions, determine who I am. Simple, I know-but I'm Taylor/SarahLydia. I define who I am-or I am defined through who I allow God to make me be.

I told Him I was done tonight. Not with life-I want life. So bad. But, I am done, and I have resigned of my position. I hope I don't apply again, because His driving experience is much better than mine.

I have an impossible amount of homework tomorrow, PT, acting, and listening to more dreams...
But I think I have given up. I will no longer say "Make me graduate this spring." It is now "Make/help me succeed in life this year." Because, you see, I don't know exactly what that can be....but that is the beauty of taking shotgun.

ImpossibleisNothing
BaWc

~Taylor