Monday, October 18, 2010

I have no title...

I sit here. At an empty page. Or, if you'd like specifics, looking at a page that was created by millions of lines of code made to invent a "page." But, like I said in an earlier post, my friend Katherine told me that empty is good, empty is for God (excuse my deviation from the exact quotation). It's late. I need to get up in five hours. But I think best around now. This should be short.

Some people are dreamers. They create a world within themselves that seems real. We're not insane, we're just the hopeful. Those that aren't "dreamers" try to bring us back to earth. But I'm like a helium balloon with ...un-ending helium. I've had some years of Hell. There will be more. And while most of those years were not my fault, my initiative within was-an is. You see, dreamers live in the future, we believe that reality will never catch up to us. And that if it does? God will provide a last-minute parachute plan (or something-I'm on sleep drugs, ok?:P). Well, He does. And He doesn't. You can't anticipate God. I know that now. You can trust God, but He is not a genie. I struggle...so much. So lately...with trust. In that, I know there is a God, I know I love Him, I know He loves me...and...???

I spent 3 years of high school ... and I wasted them. There were interruptions I now know I had no control over, there was the year of psychiatric illness. Yeah, I'm a lunatic-you won't be the first to cast that stone at me. I wasted time and here I am, left with 3/4 of a school year that should be my last but I have 1.5 grades to complete, tests I'm behind on, failing my family life, no SAT's, no transcript, thus-no college applications...and I am lost.

But I'm also found. God and I had a yelling match tonight. Mostly me...yelling at myself. My throat is sore. To make a long story short-I made my choices and I have to live with the consequences. They include public humiliation when I don't graduate this year, they include being asked why my arms are scarred and seeing that in photos for the rest of my life...but today I ....it hit home.

I've lied, I've escaped, I've acted. I am not even human by human standards. I am a failed mystery no one should unlock. But it hit home, the simple truth that....My choices/my actions, determine who I am. Simple, I know-but I'm Taylor/SarahLydia. I define who I am-or I am defined through who I allow God to make me be.

I told Him I was done tonight. Not with life-I want life. So bad. But, I am done, and I have resigned of my position. I hope I don't apply again, because His driving experience is much better than mine.

I have an impossible amount of homework tomorrow, PT, acting, and listening to more dreams...
But I think I have given up. I will no longer say "Make me graduate this spring." It is now "Make/help me succeed in life this year." Because, you see, I don't know exactly what that can be....but that is the beauty of taking shotgun.

ImpossibleisNothing
BaWc

~Taylor

3 comments:

Ali said...

You are beautiful.

Hannah said...

You have a way with words. (:
Have you heard the song "You are More" by tenth avenue north? Really good song...you reminded me of it.

Unknown said...

@Hannah - That is a BEAUTIFUL song! I agree!

SarahLydia. I've watched you the past couple years... I've seen you struggle so much from watching on the outside. I have seen you fight for your life. I've gotten texts that have sent me to my knees for you. My heart has slid tears for you. And.. in all reality - my love has grown for you. You've been through a lot.. you're fought.. but you have survived. You've been discouraged.. you've really struggled... but God has pulled you through. You have no idea how much your testimony makes people think... From the world's eyes, you're kind of a miracle. You haven't slid into everything they call for peace and comfort in the end. You've given your life to Jesus....

I really am so proud of you. I can't understand everything like you do. I can't understand everything in your life... but I see how God has radically changed your life.

I know it's still not really easy... still not painless... still hard.. and boy are there still struggles. But, sadly - we'll be dealing with those until the day we stop breathing. Keep keeping on. You're on the right track. And... God's right beside you.

I love you. Remember that. And know that I'm always only a call or a text or an email away.