Gaze Behind Me

The next several posts are just a collection of thoughts I wrote two or three months ago - which is why some of them will be referring to Christmas, and past events. Anyway. Wasn't really sure what format to put this in, but this will work:

Tonight I turn my face

Toward my wall, to think

In an evil-filled world

Surrounded by the cover of dark

I let my mind wander back

To my childhood,

A time when long-division

Was considered a demon

I let my mind lead me

Back to our forty acre ranch,

On those rolling, beautiful plains

And I lament the going of

Such simplistic days

Running through the fields

With the dog,

Cuddling new kittens,
mowing lawns,

Planting trees,

Throwing the cattle bales

Of the summer days

When we swam in a cow trough,

Electrified voles,

Stacked firewood

Yesterday, I was “home” again

For the first time in months

And I experienced a bittersweet realization

I love the plains,

The setting sun, and my old place

I hated living there,

But could not imagine anything else

Yesterday I looked at our unfinished driveway –

The one that leads to nowhere

I remembered going out there and writing

For hours some summer day

Those writings sit in a book

Filled with a story

Of hope after hope,
and shattered dream after dream

That driveway represents to me

All that never will be,

All the dreams made impossible

Tonight I turn my head toward the wall.

And like so many nights

Of the past three years,

Silent tears stain my face –

As I wonder if, like Anne of Green Gables said

“my life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes”

I asked myself

If I could have changed the last three years,

Would I?

Parts, yes, but other parts, no

God has something to teach me,

And if it takes one more broken dream,

So be it

I have changed internally

More than I ever thought possible

In the last three years,

And inside, I am no 17 year old girl

But I am one who is waiting

For the laughter of mourning

The Piper calls, and some do not return,

But answer, always answer

So a silent tear slips down this face,

And I wonder if all heartbreak is forever

But then I wonder if there was none,

What would I be

Such a confusing mess of thoughts

But the Piper calls,

And who will follow?

I’m waiting,

Like for rain in a drought,

I’m waiting for a reason

Waiting, just waiting

To feel beautiful again

Waiting to dance in the rain

Let it pour

I’m ready

SarahLydia